Katie's Story
CONTENT WARNING: DETAILED DESCRIPTIONS OF DISORDERED-EATING AND EATING DISORDER BEHAVIOURS INCLUDING TALK OF WEIGHT AND BODY IMAGE.
Note to Readers: The conversation/topic of eating disorders is vast, I could probably go on for a long time about it! However, this time, I’m going to give a little background on my experience and then focus on what helped me get on the other side. Of course, this is my journey and experience which is unique to me, and may/may not work or be helpful for others, so this is in no way my prescription for you:)
For as long as I can remember I have always been athletic or involved in some sort of team sport. I love exercise and moving my body. Especially running. It has been a form of physical fitness but arguably more mentally fulfilling at times. In my early twenties I went abroad to teach English and it was there that my relationship with food and exercise took a turn for the worse. My body was responding to an environment it wasn't familiar with and stress mode kicked in hard which had a direct effect on my metabolism. Fast forward...over the next six or seven years I did everything I could to control my thinness to the point of completely altering the vision of who I was and who I wanted to be. I could not imagine a day without being absolutely overcome by my ED. Much of it showed up in extreme over exercising and limiting food intake. If you are familiar with the female athlete triad...this was me to a tee!
My body was starting to deteriorate, and several ailments caused by the havoc I was putting my body through were making life miserable. So, with the very gentle but stern urge from a dear friend, I agreed to see a doctor. This was the start of what helped me. This doctor then became my GP but also went way over and above to help me. He was empathetic and very clearly made a stand to advocate for me which immediately established trust. I was referred to the Eating Disorder program and St. Paul's Hospital in Vancouver. Over a six-month period, shit got real. Their *intake program is extensive and extremely thorough (as it should be). With many tests and assessments both physical and psychological, I could see the seriousness of the situation I was in. I realized I had a choice. I could continue going down the same road and wreck my body, mind and soul, or I could turn things around and reclaim my life. Easier said than done. The latter option would have me face myself, my fears, my insecurity. But it would also allow me to take back joy in my life and make exercise and food/eating life giving and fun.
I in no way did any of this on my own. Impossible. If I could sum it up, I would say the things that helped me the most were my doctor advocating for me in every possible way, a few select friends (who knew what was going on), my faith and community of faith, and my perspective.
If you can find a health care professional that will go to bat for you, KEEP THEM. In this time, I had some incredible humans in my life who walked, talked and cried with me through this (I am eternally grateful) - it was gnarly at times and if I'm honest my behavior before I got help did cost me more than one relationship. My perspective change may have held most of the shift. I shifted to see my responsibility in the situation. I could identify that my behavior was causing my body to respond in a way that risked my ability to have children. I knew deep down I wanted to have kids (and hopefully a girl) and the thought of passing along these behaviors toward food and exercise down to my kids made me ill. Not on my watch would I be responsible for teaching toxic and harmful attitudes and behaviors. Once I realized this was not just "my problem" but it was affecting others as well, I really rallied to make a change.
Even more than 10 years later (and 2 baby girls!), I still have amazing people in my life who ask me real questions in this regard. I am so grateful to be on the other side. It is still something I need to be aware of and be extremely intentional about. I know what triggers me. I will never own a scale, cleanses and other "re-sets" for the body are not beneficial for me, I do not subscribe to them. I do my very best not to demonize any type of food (this I am still working on!) especially as an example to my kids.
Taking care of my body and offering a healthy environment for my family is something I'm always striving for but not perfect at!
I want to run when I'm 80! I often run because I love it and want to get outside and feel good, I do still participate in some competitive running but that has for sure taken a back seat.
Note to readers: this was and is my experience. So, so many struggle and are faced with ED in their life. It can show up in many ways and each individual circumstance is real, it matters, and there IS another side of it.
*I did not enter the program as I decided to move forward in a different way.
With much love,
Katie
Please know that if you are struggling with an eating disorder, there is help. In Canada, you can visit National Eating Disorder Information Centre (NEDIC) And please know that You are not alone.