COVID Diaries: Nyarai
Written by Nyarai Tawengwa, Student of life, Creative
Expectations of productivity are something I have been struggling with, especially since quarantine began. A lot of my inner dialogue became fixated on the privilege of being able to work from home and that came with the expectation of me getting things done the way I would at work, without leaving room for much else. I had requirements for what I felt I should be producing but I was not giving myself the space to access my very human feelings about things.
Shortly into quarantine, I came across an article titled, The Discomfort You’re Feeling is Grief and it helped me gain a more gentle perspective on things. Around that time, I realized I needed to be more compassionate with myself, without forcing productivity as that only exacerbated any exhaustion I was feeling. I had to remind myself that we indeed are in the midst of a pandemic and that the way I was feeling was valid and worth slowing down for without feeling guilty about it. And with each day I remind myself to be gentle with what arrives.
Ironically, I felt I had been rehearsing for this lock down earlier in the year. I was home for majority of February due to a concussion and I was not able to actively engage with the world, nor do much in the house either. I had only just returned to work full time – and being out and about – when the quarantine started. I thought having been through being forced to stay at home prior would make accepting this easier. It did not. On my up days, I’m fully into this being for the greater good, and I can put on some music and dance in my apartment, go for a run, stretch, engage with family and friends online, attend virtual group gatherings, etc. I can do the things. But on the days where I’m struggling with loneliness, missing physical company and hugs, and I’m faced with the uncertainty of it all – those are the days I want to cry from frustration and stay in bed because acceptance feels as foreign as the truth that this isn’t forever. But this is also where I give myself grace and that can create some mental and emotional space.
I’m allowing myself to dream of creative projects I’d like to do, and ways I can better heal myself and my body now that I have more time. I can read that book, draw that sketch and whilst not actively writing, I’m curious about attending more virtual writing workshops and doing the things that will nurture my spirit. I am open to the things that will fill me up as I’m not as attached to strict routine and obligation. But I do it all within the rhythm of what I feel I can show up for, and giving myself permission to stop and rest if it is too much.
And so, for the days I feel like I can actively get things done, without working through brain fog and exhaustion, I especially lean into the sweetness and joy of it. I stay grateful and I do my best, which sometimes is not a lot, but it is enough.