Building community--Relationships between Black Women and White Women

Art by: Maggie Stephenson

 I once did a Trail run with my friends

Where I only spoke (if measured by time)

A total of 30 mins.

For the entire duration we were together,

Out there in the Beautiful Mountains

I kept forcing myself to “just be normal”

What ended up happening,

As I kept forcing myself to “say something”

–   I missed my chance to say anything at all.

Afterwards, when I went home and relived

Each scenario from the day,

I came up with a few possible hundred

Things I could have said…

But Why didn’t I?

I wondered.

I may be quiet, but I’m not particularly shy,

Each of these women I’ve been with before

(Several times)

And every time,

I spoke my mind – I was myself,

Unafraid to share my truths.

Trying to figure this all out (the wrong way);

Time went by and before long,

I’d forgotten the reason

I was so bothered

Until …

Something similar happened again.

And yes, once again, I was in my head

Fighting myself to speak up until

I was back home (again),

Replaying each moment that passed.

This time, however,

I didn’t ask myself: 

–      Why didn’t I say anything?

Instead, I asked myself,

–      Who are you (in that setting)?

–      Who do you become (in that setting)?

–      Why do you become that way?

I wouldn’t be wrong if I said this is a common feeling amongst Black Women—feeling a certain “foreign” way around White Women. And I wouldn’t be wrong if I said most Black Women get caught up in their heads—as they try to navigate a general disillusionment about how their White friends view the world versus how they as Black Women actually experience it.

I realized the reason I “fight” myself to say something when I’m with a group of White Women is because I typically say something that makes me cringe—I subconsciously switch up my accent just a tiny bit more than I normally would; I perform in a way that feels inauthentic to who I am—a natural tendency when I’m the only Black Women amongst a group of White Women. This bothers me so much so sometimes I don’t say a thing.

As I have grown in this role as Founder of PLR, I have found myself numerous times in settings where I am sometimes once again, the only Black Woman in front of a group of (mostly) White Women. Each time however, as I begin each conversation with a Story (often times my story), I’ve managed to stay true to myself—falling out of my head and deeper into myself; a Self I see reflected in all the women that come out to PLR. And this gives me the confidence to stay real and be honest as I have a conversation with not only the women that come out to these events—but myself too.    

For PLR’s topic about “Building Community”, as a Black Women, I wanted to highlight how so many Black Women navigate life at the intersection of Race and Gender. But I also want to create space for these conversations to take place. It opens up the possibility to have relationships that grow, becoming both nourishing and supportive.