My Journey to Self-Love Through Running
Written by Mel Greene, Empowerment Coach
I originally started out writing this intro to myself from the lens of how running saved my life. Saved me from the self-loathing I was grasping onto that led me to some dark days and harmful patterns. How running moved me through the process of learning to love myself and understand that I’m worthy; worthy of it all, however I define “all.” In writing drafts, it became clear to me that running alone didn’t save my life. I helped myself save my own life because I’m the one doing the running. I’m also doing all of the other work alongside running that keeps me in the space of loving myself, which allows me to live my life fully and to love others. Running doesn’t do that on it’s own, but it does have a big part in it.
I started running about four and a half years ago, when I was at a low point in my life after leaving a job that meant losing my self-identity. I was struggling with anxiety and depression, didn’t know who I was or why I mattered, and just couldn’t see that I had any worth. I was sad and angry. I felt desperate to find some piece of myself worth loving. With the help of a dear friend, I found my way to therapy and eventually to running. I began running 2kms at a time, which felt HARD. I couldn’t fathom running that far daily and the idea of running a 10k race was completely unimaginable to me. I did not see it as possible for myself, even though my friend was running marathons. Her gentle coaching got me to 3kms, 4kms, and eventually to the 2016 Eastside 10k Race.
I spent the race struggling. I cried. I made my friend tell me stories to keep me distracted. It was pouring rain and I was not familiar with the feelings that a body encounters during hard physical work. I was scared of failure. I made it through that race and burst into tears of joy and disbelief at the end. I had shocked myself. I still have a hard time believing that I’m a runner. But it’s true. With my body, with my history of non-athleticism, partying and mental health struggles - I am writing today as a runner.
Today is Sunday and I just finished my fifth marathon yesterday. My fourth marathon of 2020 and my fifth marathon ever. Before the end of September, I will have finished six marathons in a year. Parts of me can’t believe I am this person. Parts of me know, of course I am this person.
The doubt comes from years of doubting myself. I grew up in a very supportive family who always believed in me, and still does. I couldn’t be more grateful for that. But like many women, somewhere along the path of my life, I internalized feelings of unworthiness and came to really believe those feelings to be true. It’s been a long road of recovery to self love. As I mentioned, at the same time that I started running, I started therapy. Outside of therapy, I did my “homework”, which was uncomfortable and felt silly at times. But I committed and did it. Prior to and during that time, I entered into unhealthy relationships and stayed too long. I drowned my feelings in alcohol. I grieved the loss of the person I thought I was until I could begin to see glimmers of the person I was becoming.
The person I became and am today is a runner, a coach, a teacher, a digital marketer and the growing person I want to be. With sobriety came clarity and learning to feel my feelings and trust myself. With coaching came learning to get curious about myself and others in a deep way that allowed me to stop judging and start accepting. With digital marketing came my current job that holds me up and challenges me at the same time everyday. With running came the belief that I am capable, worthy and a straight-up badass.
My interest in Project Love Run is one of self-love and love for all womxn. I’m here to hold womxn up, to learn from my community and to hopefully inspire womxn to love themselves. The biggest lesson I’ve learned over the last four years is that the only thing that’s ever been in my way is myself. I’m very privileged to have grown up and lived like I have - none of that got in my way. It was me. And I’m not mad at myself for that anymore. I’m so grateful to have felt struggle and self-loathing so I can stand in gratitude for self-love today.